Please fucking kill me

It's been a long time since I've been on the marriage interview date. You know the "I'm-seeing-if-I-want-you-to-be-the-father-of-my-children" date.

I've had a few dates with a 36 year old woman, who wants to get down to business before she spends her inheritance on fertility drugs. On our first date, I went to the bathroom and when I got back to the table, she was talking to the two people sitting next to us about adopting.

On a side note, I also tend to use "girl" (e.g. I went on a date with this girl) even though the proper word is woman. No disrespect is ever intended and while I support feminism, I draw the line at girls who get pissed over such petty shit. Anyway, I digress, but I bring this up because every time I use "girl" when I should use "woman" this girl mentions it.

Okay, back to hell.

So, not only did my date include the interview questions, but I receieved two emails with more follow up questions. That's a lot of questions to be answering without being paid (or at least getting a piece).

Here are the unedited questions I was emailed:

1) Have you ever had your heart broken and if so, what did you do to deal with it?
2) How do you describe yourself politically (your profile says liberal but is that the term you use when asked?)
3) What is the average age of women you've dated in the past two years?
4) Would you rate your sex drive low, medium or high?
5) What is a characteristic you absolutely cannot stand in someone you're involved with?
6) Who do you admire most?
7)Do you travel much and if so, where do you like to travel?
8)What is your number one complaint about men? About women? (Traits that you see overwhelmingly in one gender or the other)
9)What cause or issue do you feel most strongly about?

For more ramblings on dating, visit www.saturn-return.com

Why First Dates Are Like Pro Wrestling

When you think about it, it makes total sense. Dating and pro wrestling are really the same sport -- except in dating you don't have steroids.

1. Like pro wrestling, dating is fake. The first date is a meeting of two people playing a certain role and totally bullshitting each other. The results are totally scripted. Just like a wrestling match has a predetermined outcome, so does the first date (unless some crazy shit happens). At the end of the first date you either do one of the following:

*Politely say something like "It was nice meeting you" and run to your car as fast as possible;
*Say something like "I had a great time. I'd like to see you again." If the other person is interested, he or she will then respond with something like, "I'd like that too." Then you will get a "Here is my number" (if you don't already have it) or a "How about X day?"
*Spontaneously kiss the person which then sets up the second scenario anyway.

2. Like pro wrestling, everyone plays a character. For those of us who date online, it's the character we've created in our profiles. It's who we want you to think we are. Sadly, most people who date online are the same character. The one who "love to laugh" and "whose friends describe them as..."(so fucking amazing that you can't believe they are dating online).

3. Like pro wrestling, the first date outfit is carefully picked to portray an image. A lot of slimming black is worn by both men and women. If a woman thinks she might like the man, she shows just enough cleavage. Of course, we men then have the dilemma of "should we or shouldn't we." They want us to look, but if we look too much, it's wrong. To avoid this problem I just like to lay it out there and just say, "I'm trying really hard not to look, but I really do want to. I don't think you would have worn this if you minded me looking. So, I may from time to time sneak a peak."

For more ramblings of mine go to www.saturn-return.com